Before I begin, let me start by saying this will not be a stereotypical rant about how I hate Valentine’s Day because it has become so commercialized and your man/boy/dog should treat you lovingly all year round and the color combination of pink and red makes me want to vomit. While most of this is true, no. This is about how boys have the tendency to do some REALLY stupid things when it comes to giving their ladyfriends gifts. And how it gives me hives just thinking about it.

Here are some examples. My high school boyfriend bought me a Build-A-Bear for Hanukkah while we were dating. No supplemental gift. Just a stuffed animal. And he was so proud of himself because he dressed it up in a Mets uniform. Seventeen may seem young to me now but I felt like it was more appropriate for a 7-year-old. I was glad when we broke up (for many reasons) but mostly so I could send it to the trash. Note to all boys: save the stuffed animals for people who haven’t gone through puberty.

Now the opposite end of the spectrum. I am thankful that this happened to a friend and not myself. (Although it does prove that it isn’t just boys I date.) For their first Christmas, this individual bought his girlfriend a vibrator and a pair of sexy dice.

I’m not making this up. Really.

Why he thought this was a good idea… beats me. Yes, it is practical. Yes, it is gift that has a longer shelf/drawer life than a dozen roses. But when your parents ask what your boyfriend got you for Christmas, what do you say? A back massager? I don’t need to tell you why this was a bad gift. Just… don’t do this. Please. Anyone.

The worst gift I have EVER received was from the boy I was dating for my 20th birthday. We had been dating for a while so I requested jewelry. There were a few requirements: No rings, No hearts, Nothing yellow gold. Pretty simple. I received this.

It was a disaster. It said “I love you” all the way around the ring. I have never been so upset opening something that came in a Tiffany’s box. If I said no hearts, what, I love you is somehow okay? It looked like a wedding band. I SAID NO RINGS FOR A REASON. And, on top of all of this awfulness, it turned my finger green after I wore it for a day. What a blessing in disguise. I didn’t feel like SUCH an asshole when I made him return it. (You honestly thought I would keep this? You’re outside your damn mind.) I ended up picking out my own gift. We are also no longer dating.

Come on guys. Girls have plenty of friends. Gchat them, tweet them, Facebook message them. You will avoid making these stupid, stupid decisions. And if you insist on being “original” and “romantic,” stop. Just stick to dinner and a movie. Cook her dinner, go out for dinner, stream a movie on Netflix, drop $32.50 on tickets to an iMax. Whatever. Make sure to check for allergies first. Your girlfriend will thank you.

Happy Valentine’s Day. I will be hibernating from now until February 15th.

(Although if someone does plan to buy me a box of chocolates, I insist it has a map. No one likes accidentally biting into coconut.)